I think I’ve hit a new low. Not in terms of unhappiness or unemployment or anything, but rather in terms of love. I’ve fallen for someone shallower than a baby pool, harsher than a Wisconsin winter, and easier than the girl that wears black tights and a white v-neck tee to your afternoon class. You know who I’m talking about: Tinder.
Yes, Tinder. It is God’s gift to those of us with declining morals and absolutely no shame. In case you don’t already know, it’s online dating turned into a game. (The app literally calls itself a game.) All you do is look at pictures of random people and judge whether you like them or not. That’s it. No personality descriptions. No stories of shared values. No discussion or mutual goals and ambitions. Just 100% physical judgment. If its utter shallowness were crystal meth, not even Walter White could make stuff as pure.
I’ve found my inner sinner’s Heaven…well, Hell. You don’t go to Heaven if you use this app.
Before I continue, I ought to clarify that I have absolutely no intention of pursuing a relationship (with any girl, but especially any of these girls). As I’ve already mentioned, I’m completely uninterested in and incapable of serious relationships. I’m honestly doing this for fun and the possibility of sexts, which kind of makes my actions even more despicable. Call me Gru.
Let me give you some examples of how awesome/debaucherous it is:
Vivian. Hayden. Daenerys (I wish…). Brandi. Chloé. Sháy. I get goosebumps thinking of all the possibilities. I should probably change my Facebook name to something cooler. Like Sterling. Or Reginald. Or Grindelwald.
When you make your profile, you get a small box — basically the size of a tweet — to describe yourself. My statement? “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” I felt like that was both a Harry Potter reference and a statement of my true intentions. Two birds with one stone, bitch!
Here are some examples from my potential matches:
“my life revolves around BBB , forever dtc”
I don’t know what BBB stands for, but I assume it doesn’t mean Better Business Bureau. Oh and you put a space before the com-…ugh, never mind.
“Id rather people tell lies about me than spread around the truth about me. Which is usually the case anyways.”
Um…I’m going to have to come back to this one.
“Psalm 62: 1-2”
How do I send you to the ‘nope’ category again?
“Life, unlike the game of chess, does not end at check mate.”
Checkmate is one word. And, by the way, this makes no sense. I think you should change it to, “Understanding this quotation, like the game of chess, ends at check mate.”
“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.”
Very Book of Genesis of you, Katie.
“The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.”
No one is ever allowed to call my blog emo after reading this girl’s tagline. Seriously. That there’s some dark shit.
Coming back to the earlier one: “Id rather people tell lies about me than spread around the truth about me. Which is usually the case anyways.”
First of all, you missed an apostrophe. I can kind of forgive the period instead of the comma, but there’s a big difference between “Id” and “I’d.” For example, Leslie Nielsen didn’t fight an “I would” monster in Forbidden Planet. (How’s that for an obscure reference? Shout out to Bobby!) Second, why would you want people to spread lies about you? Would you like it if I told everyone you had so many cavities that they finally gave you dentures? Cause I’m pretty sure the truth would have to be better than that. And lastly, which clause of the first sentence are you referencing as “usually the case”? That people spread the truth about you? Unless you’ve committed multiple felonies or clubbed a baby seal, I feel like the truth would be preferable to a lie.
“Don’t pee in that…it’s not a real toilet!”
Inside jokes aren’t funny if you’re on the outside of them. I feel like most of us learned that by, you know, elementary school (well, college for me).
“Guess what? Chicken butt.”
I’ve seen like 80% of the NC State dance team on here. Epic. Win. I can’t even begin to describe how awesome this is. I always felt bad for ogling them and their skimpy outfits at basketball games, but here they are posting half-naked pictures of themselves for potential suitors like me to see. And guess what? I don’t even feel dirty or creepy for it. So much win, bro.
I’ve also noticed that tons of girls only put their school and their sorority on here. It’s as if I should know everything about them from two vague descriptors and a few superficial images.
Fuck you, [insert names of all my friends here], for saying you didn’t have any cute ladygirls to introduce me to. Tinder calls bullshit on you.
I also ought to mention that I’ve seen one girl from my high school graduating class and one girl that formerly messed around with one of my best pals. It’s a small world, ain’t it?
My Future Avenues of Pursuit
This is where the big debate comes in. I’d love to hear your opinion. When someone likes me back, therefore giving us the opportunity to instant message one another, what do I say? After talking with my sensei, the wise and sensual Jethro, I’ve come up with a list of his tried and true openers:
“hey girl, you wanna bang?”
Okay, that’s the only one he uses. But, in the spirit of his advice, here are some other options:
“Got any nudies?”
“Socks on or off?”
“I see you’ve written your Snapchat account in your profile…”
“Dun nuh nuh na BATMAN!”
“My Charmander. Your Squirtle.”
“where you at?”
“Ich will deine Muschi lecken.”
You get the point. As I said, though, I’m open to suggestions. I just need a few girls to think that I don’t have a crooked smile first. And that my teeth aren’t nearly as yellow as my picture makes them appear. Damn you, white balance! You know what? I think I should just use someone else’s picture entirely. Do you think these girls will recognize Vin Diesel from Pitch Black? I think I can get away with it. Or maybe Ben Foster. He’s pretty indie.
Wish me luck, dude,